Two may not always be company, but three is definitely a crowd

In my early Tinder days, I was very naive and innocent. I was yesing and noing people during my free time, feeling that little ping of excitement when I got a match, pondering if the guy with the cute dog would be anything like his photos and whether I could meet his dog. My ego was being stroked and I liked it.

One fine day, I matched with a guy who seemed nice, was well traveled and had the cute nerd look going for him. He messaged me and we chatted for a bit, eventually moving the forum to Facebook (soooo stupid). He was very persistent in the beginning which I mistakenly attributed to him being “soo different” than the rest of the male population in their slow and often non-existent approach to asking a woman out. Though, I have to admit it was a little weird, even for me, when he asked to meet me at his place so we could make out without having actually met me. But, I ignored that comment thinking that even if he was a little pushy, he probably wasn’t a serial killer based on the 1 mutual friend we had in common.

I was right about that part (to my knowledge). We met up a few days later and went to a restaurant for dinner. Before I went out, I went through all the proper precautions of giving his name, Tinder picture, number and a 5 hour limit to call the cops instructions to my sister. When we got to the restaurant, our table wasn’t ready and so we sat at the bar where he proceeded to order a bottle of wine. Totally normal, right?! Perhaps, if he wasn’t the one driving, therefore leaving the heavy lifting (or, in this case, drinking) to me. Normally I would be totally happy to down a bottle or two. And, being inexperienced in the Tinder world, I thought a little liquid courage would be a good thing. Except, I kinda had a busy day where I didn’t get much food in me. And, I sorta downed the bottle before we got to the mains. So, ladies and gents, I was pretty, prettyyyy drunk. This is not a good idea on a first date, let alone a Tinder date with a guy who is a stranger and touchy feely. It definitely loosened me up a little (the wine, that is). My judgement was definitely impaired. To his credit, the restaurant and food from what I recall were amazing and he had some semi-interesting things to say, especially later on in the night.

We finished dinner, during which we (mostly me) had a few more glasses of wine. We then went and got desert from a nearby cafe and then sat in a park to eat it. I noticed we were seated away from the rest of the population, which I took as a sign he was about to make a move. I drunkingly pondered it and thought, why not? It’s just a kiss. You can’t get too many diseases from a kiss. Plus, good practice!!  He, as predicted, made his move and he was actually a good kisser (I am fairly certain). But, it was a little strange when he proceeded to eat/lick off the lip balm I had just applied because he “liked the taste”. It went even more downhill from there. I stupidly told him he was a good kisser and he proudly declared “I am good with my tongue”. I laughed it off, apparently finding it hilarious in that moment (and …interesting now). He then made the obviously logical transition to threesomes and announced that he had recently participated in one “with two girls” after I queried whether it involved a guy and a girl (don’t ask me why–I guess it was my feeble attempt at flirting? though I am not sure why I was flirting…). I replied with “cool”. He then asked if I wanted to move this to his house. I guess I can’t blame the guy, I was inviting this sort of behaviour. But, he proceeded to ask me back 4 more times to “cuddle”. HA. Right. Totally. I was drunk but not that drunk.

I then told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, to which he replied that if I was worried he wouldn’t call me the next day, that was silly because I was a “babe”. I remember thinking that I wasn’t worried about that, but rather what kind of STD’s he was going to have based on his extra curricular activities. Needless to say, I did not go home with him.

I honestly thought his attention would soon be drawn elsewhere. Nope. I got messages from him for the next week, especially on a particular day where he messaged me “happy hump day”. My favourite, though, was when he asked me how to pronounce my name (I have a slightly unusual spelling) and he proceeded to tell me how I could pronounce his name. Here’s a hint—he has a completely normal name, it just sounds similar to a certain male bodily fluid (I’ll let you guess which one). Such a thoughtful guy! I made the decision to cut this off before I got some unwelcome house calls (he dropped me off as I figured I would probably feel the same level of discomfort catching public transport back to my house). I sent him a very discrete, polite and to the point message. It apparently worked….Not so fast. He messaged me a couple of weeks later asking if he could convince me to hang out again. Thanks, but no thanks. You seem nice, but am not sure we are looking for the same umm experience? 🙂

Lesson from this: Don’t drink and Tinder date. Bad news. Do not ask questions/make comments that invite potentially awkward answers. Lastly, threesomes are not a good first date topic unless you actually plan on having one.

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