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dumb luck

It’s been approximately a week since my date with period guy. We have spoken through texts on and off for the last week and were supposed to go out tonight. I woke up this morning at 3:45 am due to the heat and needing to pee really bad. But, after going to the bathroom and turning on the fan, I could not get to sleep. My mind was racing with trying to figure out ways to get out of the date tonight. I really, really, really did not want to go. About 20 minutes ago, my friend asked me if it was nervousness. I knew it wasn’t. I had no interest in seeing him again. Why? Nothing that I could put my finger on. We had a nice time, he seemed cool, but there was something missing. I guess either I am incapable of feelings (which, if you ask my sister, you will find that I am capable of a range of emotions, sometimes all in the same day) OR I didn’t feel what people would label a connection or chemistry. If I would rather stay at home streaming past episodes of the Real Housewives eating cheese and onion chips , something is off, right?? I had to cancel, but how?! What do I say to not look like a massive bitch when I had already rescheduled once this week?

It is now late morning and I just got a text from him saying that he is too ill to make it tonight and could we reschedule for the following week. Lacking a specified day next week to reschedule to, I can only assume that while he may be sick, he actually might be feeling the same way I do. I am happy, but also slightly confused. The happy part is easy to explain. I don’t have to go and I am not the bad guy!! He can most certainly take that title and run with it. However, the part I am slightly confused about is how we both let it get this far. I mean, barring actual illness and him wanting to see me again, it is the day of the date and I am just now trying to cancel and he is just now actually cancelling. Just last night he sent me a text asking me how my day was and I gave him the location of the date that was supposed to occur tonight. Mixed signals alert on both sides!! Is it because I was trying to be too open-minded when I knew something was off? The problem comes down to trusting your instinct. I am generally pretty in-tune with my feelings. But, when it comes to dating I can sometimes confuse a lack of interest with nervousness or fear of putting myself in a position to open up to a guy, something I haven’t really had to do in a couple of years, and vice versa. When should you give a person a chance? Or is your gut always right?

What I have learned from this experience is to not beat around the bush in the future. If I’m not feeling it, I’m not going on the second date even if he’s the nicest guy in the world. But, I also be aware of the reality of my feelings and not pass them off as something they are not–being authentic. If I am being authentic and all, rejection still is annoying even if you wanted it. I guess that emotion would be pride.

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